Restoring Love and Respect

Ephesians 5: 33 reads: Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

This past Sunday, we began our efforts to rebuild, renew and restore a Godly understanding of, and a new appreciation for marriage in the urban community by playing a video clip from a powerful movie called “You Saved Me.” In this movie, several couples candidly talk about their marriage and how God used their spouse to save their lives.

In the first video clip, the husband said that his wife saved him from mediocrity. The wife said her husband saved her from rejection. After the video clip, we presented our own live version of ‘You Saved Me’.

Chris: My wife saved me from depression and pessimism.
Carol: My husband saved me from insecurity and procrastination.

We disclosed how we made a PACT six months into our marriage because we were struggling to communicate and connect with one another. Back then, we did not realize that it was the most important decision we would ever make. Our PACT was simply this: No matter HOW you say what you say to me, I will CHOOSE to believe that you said it because you love me. I will choose to believe that you said it because you have my best interest in your heart. Little did we know that this simple PACT would carry us for the next thirty years. Today, as we teach the principles of the agreement we made with one another, we call it the Promise of Accountability, Commitment and Trust (P.A.C.T.).

We realize that a lot of what we are sharing is going to sound out of date, irrelevant and even sexist according to the standards and beliefs of the 21st century world. Most of the people we are talking to each week are either divorced, separated, presently having marital trouble, or single. This is NOT a weekly session to bring condemnation due to the life status you may be in right now. However, as promised, we are going to “Keep It Real” with transparency and truth in love.

We are not saying that everyone MUST be married. We are not saying that everyone SHOULD be married. Yet, we are saying that everyone MUST and SHOULD have a healthy view and understanding of marriage.

You are not going to get that healthy view from the world. It won't come from the new Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN), Essence Magazine, Black Entertainment Network (BET) or Lifetime Television. You won't get it from MTV or VH1.

A healthy view of marriage is not in the agenda of Planned Parenthood or the National Organization for Women. You won't get it from your friends who are content with the urban dictionary definition of ghetto love:  that kinda luv where...yall cut each others throat that nite at the club wit your pocket knives for lookin at otha people ...then the next morning she hanging over his shoulders bragging about how in love they are...

We are not marriage counselors and we are not professional therapists. All we know is that we have followed the principles of the Word of God in our relationship and we are still happy together after 30 years. We have weathered job losses, two foreclosures, emergency (near-death) hospital crisis moments, infidelity temptation, full time ministry overload, and the on-going challenge of parenting. We have clung to one another in tragedies and laughed together in triumphs. We are not flawless and we still have our emotional and economic issues in life, but our relationship and our family remain intact.

We are not boasting in ourselves, but we are boasting about the validity and assurance of God’s Word. There are many others in this community and across the nation, who will testify of this truth and reality. For the thousands of people who may question our beliefs and our lifestyle, they simply cannot argue with our results.

It all comes down to this: Husband, love your wife. Wife, respect your husband. We have found that the requirement for each of us, cuts to the very core of the heart. It’s very easy for a man to withhold love and it’s very easy for a woman to refuse respect. These responses are due to the fallen nature within us to preserve ourselves in the face of disappointment, doubt, division or discouragement.

We have discovered that the goal in marriage and family is Christ-likeness for a husband and Christ-likeness for a wife. That’s what it takes in order for a man to love his wife the way Christ loves the church. That’s what it takes for a woman to submit to and respect her husband. If we try to approach marriage and relationships with the standards of the world, like ME FIRST, PRENUPTUAL AGREEMENTS, MAKING SURE I WON’T BE LEFT IN THE COLD, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR ME? and WHAT DO I GET OUT OF THIS?, then we will continue to see high divorce rates or people not getting married at all and just choosing to live together.

There is a lot of hurt and pain that’s deeply rooted in our hearts and it’s very difficult to sort it all out when dealing with our spouse or children. Many of our responses are merely fear induced reactions to prevent additional injuries. This understanding went a long way in helping us deal with one another in our moments of crisis, conflict and confrontation.

That’s why, as we continue in this series of lessons about the PACT, we will keep connecting you to the promises of Isaiah 61: verses 1 and 4 - “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;…. 4 And they shall rebuild the old ruins, They shall raise up the former desolations, And they shall repair the ruined cities, The desolations of many generations.”

Our prayer is that as we address the issues of marriage and family, you will be able to more accurately apply the true meaning of Isaiah 61 in very practical ways to your own heart and home.