A Climate Change in Marriage

We’re going through some extremely cold days and nights here on the east coast and the pattern has been pretty bizarre throughout the world. From floods in Australia to frost in Florida, this has been a very strange winter. Some feel that we may be on the verge of a global climate change.

The weather has been sort of like our family relationships. With all the strange outbreaks and abnormal temperatures, the most difficult aspect is the feeling that there’s nothing we can do about it accept wait it out and see what happens tomorrow.

Thankfully we can turn to the Word of God when we experience strange weather patterns in our marriage. Sudden and unexpected storms can hit a marriage in many forms. Financial setbacks, in-laws, parental challenges, and work schedules can provide a constant stream of thunderstorms and tornadoes, but the most devastating damage is often done by the overall climate change in our relationships.

Climate changes are the result of a sustained atmospheric change. The atmosphere in our home is affected by the atmosphere in our hearts. When it becomes cold, cynical, critical, negative and fearful inside our hearts, it becomes cold, cynical, critical, negative and fearful  in our home. After a while, it’s cold for so long that it’s not just a season of winter, but it becomes a cold climate all year long, with only brief periods of sunshine or warmth.

We think back over the past thirty years of our marriage and we are so thankful that the Lord has helped us to establish a warm and gentle climate that occasionally experiences seasons of storms and cold, instead of a cold and stormy climate that only sees sunshine for a couple days or weeks per year.

The secret to establishing a loving climate was to yield our hearts individually to God the Father; by constantly surrendering our wills to the Holy Spirit.

Chris: As a husband, I had to see my role in Carol’s life as one whom God had sent to be an extension of His healing to her, through me. 
Carol: As a wife, I had to see my role in Chris’ life as one whom God had sent to be an extension of His healing to him, through me.

Yes, God put us in one another’s life and showed us how to resist the temptation to only focus on what the other person should be doing for me. This kind of focus is what causes a cold, cynical, critical, negative and fearful marriage. God reset our mindset to serving, helping and ministering to one another.

The world attempts to overcome these marital challenges by promoting a 50-50 marriage arrangement. We don’t believe that 50-50 works in marriage. First of all, you cannot determine if your spouse has met you half way. Your spouse may feel like they are giving their all to the marriage, but you might determine their effort as being mediocre at best.

Secondly, the 50-50 arrangement makes you focus on what your spouse is NOT doing. It makes you focus on their weaknesses and faults. It makes you view the relationship as one in which you are doing most of the work.

Thirdly, we believe that marriage isn’t 50-50 because it’s actually: give whatever you have, and receive whatever your spouse has to offer. You must learn to appreciate where they are and what they have to offer without trying to determine if what they have, or what they are doing meets your personal standards. Sometimes marriage is 90-10, 100-0, 75-25, 60-40, or even 30-30 because neither of you can do enough to make things right.

Our point is that a Godly marriage is based upon what Jesus said in Matthew 5:48 “Be ye perfect as your father in heaven is perfect.” When Jesus made this statement it was spoken in the context of Matthew 5: 44: “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you.” 

In that understanding He was telling His followers to love people without reservation, to love without qualification, to love unconditionally. So be 'perfect like your Father in heaven is perfect' was not talking about flawless living. He was telling us to love people the same way God loves people, which is perfectly. It’s about perfect love to imperfect people.

We’re certainly not referring to your spouse as your enemy, but the principal of love is the same. That’s why perfect love cast out fear. If you love your spouse without holding anything back, without waiting for them to earn it, and without setting up conditions in your mind that they must meet, then the Word of God promises that their fears will be driven out. You will become an extension of God's healing hand to their heart.

We discovered that a lot of our negative reactions to one another were rooted in fear, but the perfect love of God, being poured out to one another, through each of us, literally drove out our fears. It drove out the fear that he will leave me. It drove out the fear that she will find someone else. It drove out the fear of marriage failure.

There is nothing like waking up in the morning and asking the Lord, How can I minister Your love to my spouse today? We are living witnesses that this is not a fantasy. This has become our reality. Even when we got way off track and missed one another by miles in our communication, because our climate was one of warmth, love, unconditional acceptance, and total commitment to what is best for the other person, the cold days and stormy nights could not and did not last long. We were able to weather tornadoes, floods and earthquakes.

"Marriage is about mercy."

Determine, now that you want that kind of relationship, too. If whether you are married, divorced, separated, or single and not even looking, begin to change the atmosphere in your heart. Get away from being cold, cynical, critical, negative and fearful. Whatever you sustain, that atmosphere, over time, will become the CLIMATE of your HEART. The climate in your heart will change the ATMOSPHERE of your HOME. If you sustain that atmosphere in your home, it will become the CLIMATE of your HOME.

Resist the negative thoughts and past experiences that are telling you that this is just a bunch of fairy tale rhetoric. The resistance goes something like this, “That may have worked for Chris and Carol and a few other people, but I live in the urban world, in the real world. There are no men or women like that here.” So we’re declaring to you, that’s the lie from satan.

In John 10:10 Jesus declared, “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” This is abundant life for marriage in the urban community.

By no means are we trying to promote ourselves and boast about our relationship. We feel like the couples that you may see on one of those TV infomercials, who are trying to convince you to try some special product that worked for them.

Well, our product is the Word of God, brought to you by the Spirit of God, all under the orchestration and executive plan of Father God. Just try it! It will change the climate of your marriage, too!

Promise of Accountability

We consider it an honor when each of you takes a moment out of your busy schedule to read these blogs. Sometimes it feels like we're taking a great risk to address the sensitive and controversial issues that we tackle.

Currently, we are dealing with the foundation of the family, which is marriage. The reason it is so difficult to talk about it is because most of our audience consist of people from the urban community who have been wounded in some way or another due to the breakdown in their marriage or their family. Most have grown up without a father, mother, or in a few cases, without both.

We have discerned that when we talk about this subject, we must be sensitive and gentle because there are a lot of sore spots when touching this area in the urban community. It would be very easy for some to come away from our sessions struggling with thoughts of condemnation or offense, but the Lord has helped us to teach and present the loving view of our heavenly Father.

This past Sunday, we stepped into the first aspect of the PACT. As you may recall our pact was this: No matter how you say what you say to me, I will choose to believe that you said it because you love me. I will choose to believe that you said it because you have my best interest in your heart. Today we call it the Promise of Accountability, Commitment and Trust (P.A.C.T.).

The first thing we established in our PACT was THE PROMISE OF ACCOUNTABILITY. In Sunday's teaching we walked through a passage of scripture that has left many frustrated because of the inability to live out their understanding of the Word of God.

This time we read through Ephesians 5: 22-23 which says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body." We can almost feel the cold chill sweeping over many of you, but hold on! This is not going to be the typical law enforcement approach to this scripture.

We explained the meanings of these words in terms that people can relate to today. Husbands are instructed to take the lead and set the example for their home as they follow the lead of Christ, who has set the example for the church.

All the controversy and fuss about words like submit and subject can be boiled down to this basic explanation. This scripture means that wives are to follow their husband's lead. It's that simple. To lead means to be the first to do something. Husbands are called to be the first to sacrifice, the first to give, the first to pray, the first to (fill in the blank). So when the husband leads out in sacrificing, giving, or praying, the wife is called to follow him.

Many women have said they wanted a real man of God, but when they discover that a real man of God says, "Let's turn off the TV so we can talk and pray about our finances." then she discovers how difficult it is to really follow his lead. He always seems to want to do these kind of things at inconvenient times. Now comes that keyword: submitting to his leadership. If the husband is following the leading of the Spirit of God, she is called to follow and not resist it.

Of course, this automatically brings up the issue of what are husbands to do when their wives do not follow their lead. Well, husbands are instructed to love their wives the way Christ loves the church; to wash her with the water of the word. There are reasons why she is unwilling to follow her husband's lead and example. Those reasons range from fear to rebellion. However, the husband has the high calling of God on his life to minister to his wife.

The other side of the coin is: What does a wife do if her husband is not setting an example and following Christ? Well, Peter dealt with that issue and instructed that when this happens, wives are to follow the example of Christ, as well.

According to 1 Peter 3:1-4, a wife may be able to win her husband without words or her outward beauty. Peter wrote, "...rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."

A woman can grow and mature to a place where she has a gentle, quiet spirit that speaks volumes. Interestingly, Peter told the women that they should do what the women of past times did which was to 1.) trust God, and 2.) do not be afraid of the threats of fear.

You see, when a husband is not following the Lord, fear of the consequences of his actions can overwhelm a wife. Her fear is often rooted in past experiences with men. This fear can cause her to say and do things she shouldn't, which can be like throwing a lit match into a bucket of gasoline. Many teachers have put emphasis on the wife having a gentle and quiet spirit, but failed to tell her how to do it.

Gentle and quiet is not weakness. It is the powerful expression of meekness. Meekness is having the strength to control yourself. Anybody can blow up and let everybody around them know that they got strength, skills, talent and smarts. But blowing up is no sign of being a strong person. However, if she trust God and receives His perfect love which cast out her fear, no matter what her husband does, she won't be used as an instrument in the hands of the evil one.

Today, many women in the urban community are filling their hearts and minds with fear by watching constant streams of men-bashing movies, dramatic presentations and talk shows. The fear factor is sky rocketing, causing millions of women to take matters into their own hands.  Many are even turning to lesbian relationships for comfort and security.

If a Godly wife obeys the Word of the Lord, there is no guarantee that her husband  won't choose to leave her. Peter's instructions were not meant to be used like words of witchcraft to cast a spell on a man to keep him from leaving his wife. With every Word of God, people have choice. He may choose to leave because he does not want to follow Christ. Yet, she cannot allow the fear and threat of him leaving to covert her into an agent of manipulation, intimidation and domination. There are consequences for the husband's decision and one of them is that his prayers will be hindered. God won't hear and answer his prayers until he gets things right with his wife.

That's why we encourage couples to really consider this part of the PACT: I promise to keep myself in the position where I will be answerable, explainable and accountable to you.

So you see, the Bible is still very relevant in it's answers for dealing with the powerful conflicts within the marriage relationship. O' how we wish we could expound more on what we talked about last Sunday, but you can check it out for yourself at https://vimeo.com/19759321 (Part 1) - https://vimeo.com/19758165 (Part 2)

Restoring Love and Respect

Ephesians 5: 33 reads: Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

This past Sunday, we began our efforts to rebuild, renew and restore a Godly understanding of, and a new appreciation for marriage in the urban community by playing a video clip from a powerful movie called “You Saved Me.” In this movie, several couples candidly talk about their marriage and how God used their spouse to save their lives.

In the first video clip, the husband said that his wife saved him from mediocrity. The wife said her husband saved her from rejection. After the video clip, we presented our own live version of ‘You Saved Me’.

Chris: My wife saved me from depression and pessimism.
Carol: My husband saved me from insecurity and procrastination.

We disclosed how we made a PACT six months into our marriage because we were struggling to communicate and connect with one another. Back then, we did not realize that it was the most important decision we would ever make. Our PACT was simply this: No matter HOW you say what you say to me, I will CHOOSE to believe that you said it because you love me. I will choose to believe that you said it because you have my best interest in your heart. Little did we know that this simple PACT would carry us for the next thirty years. Today, as we teach the principles of the agreement we made with one another, we call it the Promise of Accountability, Commitment and Trust (P.A.C.T.).

We realize that a lot of what we are sharing is going to sound out of date, irrelevant and even sexist according to the standards and beliefs of the 21st century world. Most of the people we are talking to each week are either divorced, separated, presently having marital trouble, or single. This is NOT a weekly session to bring condemnation due to the life status you may be in right now. However, as promised, we are going to “Keep It Real” with transparency and truth in love.

We are not saying that everyone MUST be married. We are not saying that everyone SHOULD be married. Yet, we are saying that everyone MUST and SHOULD have a healthy view and understanding of marriage.

You are not going to get that healthy view from the world. It won't come from the new Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN), Essence Magazine, Black Entertainment Network (BET) or Lifetime Television. You won't get it from MTV or VH1.

A healthy view of marriage is not in the agenda of Planned Parenthood or the National Organization for Women. You won't get it from your friends who are content with the urban dictionary definition of ghetto love:  that kinda luv where...yall cut each others throat that nite at the club wit your pocket knives for lookin at otha people ...then the next morning she hanging over his shoulders bragging about how in love they are...

We are not marriage counselors and we are not professional therapists. All we know is that we have followed the principles of the Word of God in our relationship and we are still happy together after 30 years. We have weathered job losses, two foreclosures, emergency (near-death) hospital crisis moments, infidelity temptation, full time ministry overload, and the on-going challenge of parenting. We have clung to one another in tragedies and laughed together in triumphs. We are not flawless and we still have our emotional and economic issues in life, but our relationship and our family remain intact.

We are not boasting in ourselves, but we are boasting about the validity and assurance of God’s Word. There are many others in this community and across the nation, who will testify of this truth and reality. For the thousands of people who may question our beliefs and our lifestyle, they simply cannot argue with our results.

It all comes down to this: Husband, love your wife. Wife, respect your husband. We have found that the requirement for each of us, cuts to the very core of the heart. It’s very easy for a man to withhold love and it’s very easy for a woman to refuse respect. These responses are due to the fallen nature within us to preserve ourselves in the face of disappointment, doubt, division or discouragement.

We have discovered that the goal in marriage and family is Christ-likeness for a husband and Christ-likeness for a wife. That’s what it takes in order for a man to love his wife the way Christ loves the church. That’s what it takes for a woman to submit to and respect her husband. If we try to approach marriage and relationships with the standards of the world, like ME FIRST, PRENUPTUAL AGREEMENTS, MAKING SURE I WON’T BE LEFT IN THE COLD, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR ME? and WHAT DO I GET OUT OF THIS?, then we will continue to see high divorce rates or people not getting married at all and just choosing to live together.

There is a lot of hurt and pain that’s deeply rooted in our hearts and it’s very difficult to sort it all out when dealing with our spouse or children. Many of our responses are merely fear induced reactions to prevent additional injuries. This understanding went a long way in helping us deal with one another in our moments of crisis, conflict and confrontation.

That’s why, as we continue in this series of lessons about the PACT, we will keep connecting you to the promises of Isaiah 61: verses 1 and 4 - “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;…. 4 And they shall rebuild the old ruins, They shall raise up the former desolations, And they shall repair the ruined cities, The desolations of many generations.”

Our prayer is that as we address the issues of marriage and family, you will be able to more accurately apply the true meaning of Isaiah 61 in very practical ways to your own heart and home.